Of endings and beginnings...

"My brothers, I do not count myself to have taken possession, but one thing I do, forgetting the things behind and reaching forward to the things before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. "

-- Phillipians 3:13, 14

It's been 2 years since I quit my full-time job -- one that has taught me many things and was somewhat "prestigious": a big multi-national company that had sent me overseas on a work assignment, decent pay and benefits. The only hitch was the really long hours that resulted in many sleepless nights, interrupted weekends and almost negligable social life. I guess there was a price to pay, and in the end I decided that it was not worth it, not to mention that I didn't see myself doing that in the long term. Many people thought I was a bit crazy for taking such a drastic action...

Looking back, there were many instances when I doubted my own decision, and whether I really heard from God, or acted impulsively. The constant opposition I faced from my parents and feeling very poor all the time didn't help much. However, what I know is there are always consequences, good or bad, when I make decisions in life. There's no turning back and no use wallowing in regrets.

It has been a great learning experience, in more ways than one. Within these 2 years, I did 3 courses -- my Masters, TESOL (English teaching), and went to Tung Ling Seminary. The most challenging times were when I was doing my Masters modules and TESOL simultaneously. Juggling the 2 proved to be quite a challenging feat. For one, I had not studied for a few years, for another, everything was new to me, especially TESOL. I've always been one who never liked to stand in front of a crowd and say something, but the course helped me to overcome my fears (well, you can't really teach without standing in front of a crowd and saying something!) My Masters course taught me to be independent and disciplined, as it was a long distance online course.

But perhaps my most valuable experience was at Tung Ling Seminary last year, because the things that I had learnt counted for eternity. God spoke to me in different ways and I learnt to depend on Him. It was a great time of learning His word and His ways. One word that I received which stuck to me was from Hebrews 4:16, "Therefore let us come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." I knew then and now, that I am not perfect, and have a long way to go, and I sin -- sometimes willfully, and sometimes not. I had been quite disappointed with myself many a times and often felt very ashamed to approach God, but I was reminded in that verse that God understands, and He is full of mercy and grace. Not that I should "abuse" His grace and mercy, but that I can come boldly to Him because of His character.

I have now just completed my Masters dissertation, which means that my season of learning and rest is about to end. Honestly, I am fearful and worried about my future. I know I shouldn't be, because God is in control. One chapter of my life is about to end, and another is beginning to unfold. It's time again to enquire of the Lord, "What should I do?" and not be afraid of the answer. I am now looking for a new full-time job. Perhaps one that will bring me more joy and fulfillment than the one I had before. One thing's for sure: I want to have more time for God than I did before in my previous full-time employment.

As I consider my past, there were many decisions that I wished I hadn't make. Sometimes I think about the 'lost opportunities' and feel sad, but really, there is no use for me to look back. Likewise, there were some past personal 'victories' in my life, but again, I can't rest or bask in them for too long. God is interested in who I become, so it's time to move on and let Him do His perfecting work in me so that hopefully, I will gain the prize that is set before me.