A year of change and humility...

It's that time of the year again where people have many parties, eat and drink. Part of the big fat turkey I made is still sitting in the freezer. It will probably be made into turkey sandwich, turkey stew, turkey porridge, turkey soup, until I turn into a turkey eventually! :P Hmm.. I definitely need to eat less.. go on a vege diet? Or suffer the consequences, like expanding sideways.. oh dear!

Well, it's also a time to look back and reflect on what has happened during the year. It's hard to put everything down in one space, but I guess I'll try... It has definitely been a year of many changes. My life on 1 January 2005 is totally different from my life today. I was then a student, struggling with my project and teaching part time to feed myself. Today I am back in the workforce, trying to make sense of work and not to end up a rat! I was also living a life of "seclusion", hardly meeting anyone except for days when I was teaching, but today, at work, I meet all kinds of different characters every single day.

Life is indeed interesting and can change in a blink of an eye. Finishing my masters this year is an accomplishment for me, though I sometimes wish that I could have done better. I have been humbled by the whole experience as I struggled through many parts of it, sometimes feeling not very intelligent at all! The next hurdle I had to face was to find a job. This proved to be extremely tricky, as I honestly wasn't sure of what I wanted to do at all. It was another humbling experience as I faced rejection after rejection. I got an offer about a month and a half after I first started applying for jobs, but it was only verbal offer. Next came the waiting period, which really tested my patience and faith. I wanted to believe that yes, the job is for me, and no matter what happens I will get it, but on the other hand I felt very insecure n contemplated applying for other jobs. Somehow, at the end of it, I got even more rejections, and I was basically left with this one job. After waiting for months, I finally started work in October.

I guess God answered my prayers, although in very unconventional ways - He basically left me with no choice. But right at the beginning I prayed that He would show me the right job for me, the right place at the right time. Knowing that I would be confused if I were to have too many options, He narrowed it down for me. I also had certain criterias, one being location - I really didn't want to get stuck in any traffic jams or spend hours on the road a day. This has been answered, because I only take between 15 to 20 minutes to get to office, and traffic is normally very smooth. God is indeed good!

I think this year has been a year of learning humility. My job has humbled me too, as I am now faced with a brand new thing which I had never done before this. There are so many unknowns, and sometimes I feel quite inadequate, and quite frankly, stupid. I have to learn so many things from scratch, and have made many blunders in the process, which further humbles me. Sometimes I get quite stressed out thinking when is the next time I will make another mistake -- yes, quite paranoid! It has been hard, but a great learning experience so far.

I know God is interested in my character, and it's only through difficulties that I can learn to be more like Him. I am slowly overcoming my hangups, one at a time. It has been painful to discover them one by one, but at the end of the day, I know it's for my own good, and I want to please God. It's sometimes hard to stand up for God in the working environment, but I am becoming more conscious in doing so. After all, I am supposed to be the "light" and "salt" in my office. I need to be more bold, in many areas of my life, and I guess I'm being forced to do so at work.

I thank God for His grace & mercy upon my life -- He has been patient with me though I don't deserve it. I've been listening to a new song, "Still Standing" by Israel & the New Breed, and the chorus goes like this:-

If not for your goodness, if not for your grace
I don't know where I would be today
If not for your kindness, I never could say
I'm still standing
If not for your mercy, if not for your love
I most likely would have given up
If not for your favor, I never could say
I'm still standing...
But by the grace of God!

Indeed, where would I be today without God's grace, kindness, mercy, love and favour?

"But thanks be to God who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. " -- 1 Corinthians 15:57

You know my thoughts..

"You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off" (Psalm 139:2 NKJV)"

It is truly amazing that God knows everything about us -- what we like or dislike, what we hide from other people, what we fear, what we desire and what we think. Even a simple passing thought that flashes through our minds in seconds does not escape Him. Today I can testify to that.

I was having a meeting with a colleague from another department, going through some issues and figures, when he asked if I owned a model of an aircraft. I gave him a puzzled look and replied no. He promptly stood up and walked over to his cabinet, reached out for a box and handed it over to me. "Merry Christmas", he said. I thanked him and then looked at the box. Yes, it was a miniature version of a very large aircraft. It was quite a gift. The model even had little wheels below it. I was very surprised and very grateful.

But that was not all... I then realised that just a few days ago, I had this thought that flashed through my mind, "Hmm.. it would be nice to have a model of an aircraft." It was just a momentary thought, and I did not plan to do anything about it. I did not even pray or asked God for it -- after all, it was just a small, inconsequential thing. No big deal if I really got it or not. It was not important. I am truly amazed that God takes notice of my thoughts, even seemingly trivial ones like this, and this is the second time that such a thing has happened over the last three months. In the last instance, a good friend blessed me with some music. This time, someone I hardly know blessed me with a model of an aircraft. I am truly amazed, encouraged and blessed that God is interested in every little detail of my life, including my trivial thoughts. Although God is a big God, He knows every little thing.

When age catches on...

It was my birthday yesterday. Unlike childhood days, birthdays can be daunting because of the simple realisation that I am getting older. I have been thinking about my life in general - I guess it's the normal thing to do -- to take stock of my life. The result of that is, well, not too encouraging. Sometimes I wonder if I am really worth anything to anyone. It's not like I suffer from a low self esteem, but I wonder if I have made any difference at all with my life. Or am I just like vapour -- here in a moment, and gone the next, without much consequence. There's also the thing about achievements -- do I have anything that I can be proud of? Or anything that really matters?

In spite of my melancholic state, I dare say that my birthday was somewhat enjoyable. It was a public holiday, and I was privileged enough to be blessed with the good company of family and friends. I had dim sum with my family, followed by a lunch & cake with friends, and dinner with more friends... Yes, there was much eating, so much so that I think I really should get my exercise regime going again. I am very blessed to have many people who bothered to make my day special. I felt tremendously blessed -- it was a great encouragement to me, as I had been feeling quite discouraged with life in general. It's comforting to know that I am loved and not forgotten.

I know that I have much to be thankful for - family, friends, and all my basic needs met - a roof over my head, food to eat, a job to go to, church... And yet, there is a gaping void and an unexplained sadness within. I want to say that only God satisfies and feel it in my heart, not just know it in my head. Sometimes my head and heart cannot reconcile, which can be quite a problem. I suppose that's why the bible says, "The heart is deceiful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" (Jer 17:9). Indeed the human heart is difficult to understand. Sometimes I can be driven with selfish motives, and at other times integrity. Sometimes I can have compassion, and at other times, total indifference.

As is my norm on my birthday, before I went to bed last night, I asked God for something -- well, sort of a birthday present. Three things, to be exact - wisdom, favour and boldness. The three things which I lack. Life is certainly challenging. I dare say that I am stronger today to face life than I was a year ago -- I suppose in that way, I have grown. After falling flat on my face in many areas of my life, I have begun to be somewhat numb... perhaps that's a way to overcome my fear of failure? Hmm.. I wonder... Nevertheless, since we are called to be overcomers, and overcoming anything is good, I suppose.

In the mean time, "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (Psa 139:23,24). God alone knows the secrets of my heart... even I don't understand why I feel the way I do...

Ramblings of work and such...

It has been just over a month since I started my a new chapter in my life. For the most parts, it has been good. After the initial struggle of getting up early and staying awake through the whole afternoon, I've got quite used to the routine. There is so much to learn in my new workplace. Sometimes I feel so incompetant because of lack of knowledge, being new to the industry and all. Also, being not the friendliest person in the world, it has been quite a challenge to have to deal with people.

Being an inquisitive person by nature, finding out new information and learning new things has been exhillarating and stimulating in an intellectual sense. I've also found a library to go to, which is really cool, despite its limited collection. So what if the books are old -- there is still so much to learn, from so many different areas. I have made it a point to borrow books of different genres and have started reading. Someone once said that "we read to know that we are not alone" -- how very apt indeed, although the irony is that when you read, it is most often an individual activity!

Dealing with people, however, has been very challenging. I sometimes "force" myself to be friendly. There have been times when I would battle with myself and say things like, "go on, say hi, make small talk". For the times that I decided to do so, good results ensued. The other thing is the telephone. Not being one who loves chatting on the phone, I struggled many times when I had to make calls to people -- worse still, people whom I've never met and are much more senior than I am. I'd go through in my puny brain what I had to say first. I can say that the calls have mostly been successful. Learning to be patient no matter how unfriendly, angry or nasty the response is have helped me to be objective.

Above all, I always pray for two things when I go to work - wisdom and favour. I know my limitations and my hang ups, and I definitely need wisdom as I learn everything from scratch. Favour with people is also very essential... Sometimes I feel a bit like a fake, having to "force" myself to be different, in order to carry out my job effectively. Perhaps I will change? Perhaps one day I wouldn't have to force myself anymore? Only time will tell...

Those lazy days...

Sitting around and waiting for things to happen this summer has been indeed trying. I've never been one who has much patience to begin with, although many would be surprised by my cool and rather emotionless exterior. Applying for many jobs and being turned down one after the other was not exactly fun. After X number of rejections I began to feel very rejected! However, the initial feeling of disappointment soon turn to numbness after many rejections too. I began to wonder what was wrong...

Not much of a person of faith that I am suppose to be. Instead, I was more of a fraud. I mean, I prayed, and prayed, but nothing seemed to happen. There was no sign, and more silence. In my heart, I knew that God will answer somehow, but then doubt clouded my mind as I looked at the circumstances. Perhaps that was my greatest folly: looking at things from a very human perspective.

But to be a person of faith requires looking at things from God's perspective. Failing which lies the danger of bordering on insanity! Perhaps I didn't really believe my own prayers fully. I struggled with many things, including my self worth, and wondered why it seemed so much easier for others. It didn't seem very fair, but then again, life is never really fair. Looking back, I am amazed at God's grace and provision over my life. Needless to say, I finally secured a job, and that with quite a good package. Although the odds were against me, but prayers of many supported me, and for that I'm very grateful.

I suppose they say the journey is more important than the destination. Perhaps these few months were meant to teach me a few lessons. Lessons of faith, prayer, patience, friendships and also learning to let go, and let God. I can't profess to have learnt it all, and I am sure life will teach me some of these lessons again, but they have been valuable. All in all, I have learnt to not rely on things, circumstances, or even people, but on God. I have also learnt that in life, many things are really beyond my control, and that is alright.

Some days have been really slow and boring, but I really should savour them as there are not many of them left... In the meantime, I guess I shall enjoy my music, tv, books and sleep...

Roller coaster

I never really liked roller coasters, but a few years ago, while working in Texas, my colleagues and I decided to go to Six Flags over Texas. It's a huge park with many thrill rides -- providing much laugther, screams, fear and sore throats at the end of the day! Pictured here is the Texas Giant. It is the largest wooden roller coaster, and it's really scary to ride on! Well, for me, at least, because when you ride in it, you can feel the rattling and creaking of the wood, and you wonder, "Is it safe or not?" For me, it was worse, because of my small size, I kept sliding down the seat. As the rattling continued, I bumped the sides of my seats over and again. At the same time, I was pulling myself up so that I will not fall off my seat! After the harrowing two-minute experience, I ended up with bruises in more than one place on my body. (Ouch!) There were many other rides, some faster and bigger than that, but they were not as scary...

Life's like a big roller coaster ride.

Sometimes you are up,

Sometimes you are down.

Sometimes you get a sudden rush of excitement,

Sometimes there is the foreboding fear of the inevitable.

A combination of confidence, thrill and fear engulfs you.

Sometimes you get bruised, even

Like a roller coaster ride, life is short.

So why do people pay to on a roller coaster ride? What's so intoxicating about the momentary thrill? I couldn't understand it at first, but after experiencing the rides, I began to. For me, it was an accomplishment to overcome the fear of speed and the unknown. In a way, to overcome those fears, I had to let go, and just go on the ride. I guess it's the same with life. It's no use being a control freak, because there are so many unknowns in life. Circumstances can change in a blink of an eye, and they do, at least for me. So the best thing is to really let go and trust God in this big roller coaster ride. Sometimes the ride may seem long, but the length of a person's life compared to eternity is not long at all.

Not much...

Not much is obvious
When we choose to hide within our souls
The angst and turbulence
That seethes underneath the niceties
Underneath the seeming piousness
That pervades our poise

Not much is said
When we can't be straight
Fearing to lose the friends we have made
Only to realise it is too late
Amidst the clamor of life's raid
Sweet memories begin to fade

Not much is gained
Through whispers, although tamed
Truth cannot remain
When it has been maimed
Over and over again
Until its very members become lame

Not much... not much at all...

Of endings and beginnings...

"My brothers, I do not count myself to have taken possession, but one thing I do, forgetting the things behind and reaching forward to the things before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. "

-- Phillipians 3:13, 14

It's been 2 years since I quit my full-time job -- one that has taught me many things and was somewhat "prestigious": a big multi-national company that had sent me overseas on a work assignment, decent pay and benefits. The only hitch was the really long hours that resulted in many sleepless nights, interrupted weekends and almost negligable social life. I guess there was a price to pay, and in the end I decided that it was not worth it, not to mention that I didn't see myself doing that in the long term. Many people thought I was a bit crazy for taking such a drastic action...

Looking back, there were many instances when I doubted my own decision, and whether I really heard from God, or acted impulsively. The constant opposition I faced from my parents and feeling very poor all the time didn't help much. However, what I know is there are always consequences, good or bad, when I make decisions in life. There's no turning back and no use wallowing in regrets.

It has been a great learning experience, in more ways than one. Within these 2 years, I did 3 courses -- my Masters, TESOL (English teaching), and went to Tung Ling Seminary. The most challenging times were when I was doing my Masters modules and TESOL simultaneously. Juggling the 2 proved to be quite a challenging feat. For one, I had not studied for a few years, for another, everything was new to me, especially TESOL. I've always been one who never liked to stand in front of a crowd and say something, but the course helped me to overcome my fears (well, you can't really teach without standing in front of a crowd and saying something!) My Masters course taught me to be independent and disciplined, as it was a long distance online course.

But perhaps my most valuable experience was at Tung Ling Seminary last year, because the things that I had learnt counted for eternity. God spoke to me in different ways and I learnt to depend on Him. It was a great time of learning His word and His ways. One word that I received which stuck to me was from Hebrews 4:16, "Therefore let us come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need." I knew then and now, that I am not perfect, and have a long way to go, and I sin -- sometimes willfully, and sometimes not. I had been quite disappointed with myself many a times and often felt very ashamed to approach God, but I was reminded in that verse that God understands, and He is full of mercy and grace. Not that I should "abuse" His grace and mercy, but that I can come boldly to Him because of His character.

I have now just completed my Masters dissertation, which means that my season of learning and rest is about to end. Honestly, I am fearful and worried about my future. I know I shouldn't be, because God is in control. One chapter of my life is about to end, and another is beginning to unfold. It's time again to enquire of the Lord, "What should I do?" and not be afraid of the answer. I am now looking for a new full-time job. Perhaps one that will bring me more joy and fulfillment than the one I had before. One thing's for sure: I want to have more time for God than I did before in my previous full-time employment.

As I consider my past, there were many decisions that I wished I hadn't make. Sometimes I think about the 'lost opportunities' and feel sad, but really, there is no use for me to look back. Likewise, there were some past personal 'victories' in my life, but again, I can't rest or bask in them for too long. God is interested in who I become, so it's time to move on and let Him do His perfecting work in me so that hopefully, I will gain the prize that is set before me.

Dying to Live...

You live, and then you die... so what?

This question has been playing in my mind, ever so often. It came up again this weekend. Just last weekend, a man had his 60th birthday. His family and friends loved him, so they threw him a big birthday party. They cooked all kinds of different food. One of his sons used to own a simple restaurant, so you can imagine that the food was good. His daugther, in the advertising line, got people to decorate the house. On that day, they took him out for a ride in the car, so that they could do all these things. When he reached home, lo and behold, SURPRISE!!! His heart was filled with happiness. There was much laughter in the house. He was touched at the kind gesture, and celebrated his birthday with his family and friends.

This weekend, the man's house was filled with family and friends again. Yes, there was some food. Decorations? Well... flowers. However, this time, the man was heart-broken. There was a wooden box, about 6 feet long, in his house. People were weeping and sobbing... His precious daughter, 27 years old, died in a car crash. He was touched that his family and friends came to support and comfort him, but there was much grief. Children are not supposed to die before their parents. It's not the natural order of things.

Or is it? Think again. Our days are numbered. For some, it may be 70 years, but for others, 30? or 20? Who can tell? Who knows, except God, our Creator? How will I know? This may be my last day on earth. Incidentally, I have been listening to Steven Curtis Chapmans' song, "Last Day On Earth", and the chorus goes like this:-

Oh, if this should be my last day on this earth

How then shall I live?

Oh, if this should be the last day that I have

Before I breathe the air of heaven

Let me live it with abandon to

The only thing that remains

After my last day, here on earth

What are the things that remain after my last day on earth? What is it that really matters? I ask myself these questions. What if I go to heaven, only to find out that what I have done here really didn't matter at all? I have been reading the book of Ecclesiastes in the Bible, and the wisest and richest man in the world at that time said,

"Vanity of vanities, says the preacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity.
What is the profit to a man in all his labor which he labors under the sun?"

--- Ecclesiastes 1:2,3

This, from a man who had all the wisdom and knowledge in the world, who had all the money in the world, houses, property, food, servants (slaves), entertainment, pleasure and women. He could have had anything he wanted. Why would a man like that speak those words? There must have been something more to life, than all those things he had.

Which brings me to the questions... What should I be chasing in life? What do I want? What makes me happy and fulfilled? What am I good at? Or more importantly, what does God want me to do? Reading through Ecclesiastes, the writer had a pretty good conclusion. He was not fatalistic in his thinking, but rather sober:

"Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter. Fear God, and keep His commandments. For this is the whole duty of man. For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it is good, or whether evil."

--- Ecclesiastes 12:13, 14

So, it's not the things I own, achievements, or even the people that I know that is really important. At the end of my life, the important thing is to know that I have feared God, and kept His commandment. If I really fear God, I wouldn't do certain things. If I really fear God, I would listen to Him more, know what He is saying, and be obedient. Maybe I do not fear God enough, and maybe I should start to fear God more. After all, He is my 24-hours surveillance - He knows every thought I have, my motives and actions.

God is my judge, whether I do good or evil. That is not all. I do not know my last day on earth. So I do not know how much time I have left to do all the things that I should do. I do not know how much space I have for repentance if I sin. That should make me sober. That should make me seek God and listen, instead of wandering through life. In my depressive state, I once prayed to God to asked Him to end my life. How stupid, because I wasn't prepared to face Him. I want to be prepared to face Him, when my time is up, when my body lies in a brown wooden box. I want to be happy when I meet Jesus, not terrified.

My constant

Lord, You are my constant

Through the different seasons

Getting to know You is not instant

But You have given me many reasons

Sometimes I don't understand why

You never gave up on me

Because of Your grace I will try

To live life blameless and free

Much ado about nothing

" He hath a heart as sound as a bell; and his tongue is the clapper, for what his heart thinks, his tongue speaks.."

-- from Much Ado About Nothing, William Shakespeare

I have been working on my project and it has been slow. Not because I don't want to finish it but because I seem to get lost for words these days. Or rather, it's been hard to get the right words to describe the right thing. I only have 2 months to go till my deadline, and my stress level is shooting up sky high... I think my panic 'button' has been activated... Well, at least my body responds to it, in not so pleasant ways. Mysterious acne and pimples have sprouted on my face out of nowhere. Yucks...! It's like being a teenager all over again. Help!

Strangely enough, I still manage to get distracted easily. Maybe if I were on some deserted island somewhere with nothing but my project material and computer I'd be able to concentrate more easily, as there would be nothing left to do. Or maybe I'd just lose my mind. Hmm.. worth the risk?

It doesn't help to add on worries about the future. Question after question bombard my puny mind, reducing my productivity. I keep going in circles... Sigh. Being very much a single-task person, I can't handle it all at once. I need to focus. Get the most important thing done first. Get it right, give it my best, coz who knows when I'll have the chance to study again? Then only think about the rest when it comes.

Right.. back to the grindstone...

Expanding waistlines...

We should look for someone to eat and drink with before looking for something to eat and drink... ~Epicurus

Everyone's New Year resolution: to lose weight! Or at least lose some flabs... Some announce it publicly, others deny it but secretly hope to do the same. After a few months, most give up... it's just too difficult. With all kinds of different food we have, it's virtually impossible. Coupled with the many lunches, dinners, tea breaks that I have had since the beginning of the year, sigh.. I submit to the inevitable.

It's a good problem, actually... What do people normally do when they meet up with their friends? Eat! Drink! Think about it. There's just something about spending time over meals. For one, it's much easier to talk sitting down than to talk and walk. It's also more personal than chatting over the telephone or the internet. Eating & drinking also serve as a punctuation, or a pause to conversation.. or even the topic of conversation!

The year started with a New Year dinner... followed by the Chinese New Year season, whereby food was unavoidable. There were also some dinner gatherings with friends when food was in abundance. There's really nothing like coming together and enjoying food together, taking time to eat as well as enjoying the pleasure of each other's company. Some conversations were meaningful, others fun. Each of them, however, were opportunities to discover something more about someone else.

So, although I may be somewhat vain, I think an expanding waistline is a small price to pay for getting to know people. I have discovered that every once in a while, if I am open to it, I find gems in different people. People whom I never thought I'd be friends with. People who are total opposites to who I am. It's definitely worth it. Getting to know people takes time and effort.. and food! Now, all I need is some sit-ups, a little time on the bike and occasional swims...

The Anchor Holds

"which hope we have as an anchor of the soul, both sure and steadfast, and which enters into that within the veil,"
-- Hebrews 6:19

Someone once asked me what I could not live without. After a pause, I answered, "Hope". Why hope? Imagine a life without hope. Imagine a life without anything to look forward to. Imagine a life that is like today's modern web publishing term: "WYSIWYG" -- what you see is what you get. Imagine being stuck where you are, and that things will never get any better. Imagine.. could you live like that? Could you survive?

I know I couldn't. Starting this blog, I was thinking of an apt title, when I came across the verse above. It jumped right out at me. It's been my "motto" in life, if you like, just that I had not seen it before. Such a wonderful depiction of hope -- an anchor of the soul. Hope does for the soul what an anchor does for a ship. It makes it sure and steadfast. When the storm comes, with its strong winds and tempestous waves, the anchor keeps the ship steady. Otherwise, it will definitely be tossed about, torn into pieces... shipwrecked. Same with our souls. When we face trials, tribulations and the storms of life, hope keeps us from being crushed, so that we do not become shipwrecked in our faith.

But what do we hope in? Like the anchor, we must put our hope in the right place. The anchor must be dropped into the sea bed firmly so that the ship will hold in the midst of a storm. The sea bed is unmovable. Likewise, we must put out hope in something that is unmovable and unchangeable. In this world that we are living in, things change so quickly. Riches are uncertain, as are material things. Unfortunately, even relationships are uncertain. We cannot put our hope in these, as they will disappoint at one point or another. We must put our hope in God. He never changes. He is always there. He does not decide to move away one day!

A good old song by Ray Boltz, "The anchor holds" depicts a strong steadfastness in the midst of a tempestous storm. The chorus goes:-

The anchor holds

Though the ship is battered

The anchor holds

Though the sails are torn

I have fallen on my knees

As I faced the raging seas

The anchor holds

In spite of the storm

I'm glad that God does not see me as "WYSIWYG". Otherwise, I would have been a lost case. I must admit, I have the tendency to try to fix things myself when going through problems, only to make them worse. I have come to realise more and more, to put my hope in God. When I do so, I have this calm assurance in my heart that although the situation may not change, I can rely and depend on God to help me go through it. It's the most secure place to be. It's not easy, but it works for me.

How about you? Who, or what do you hope in? Is it secure?

Blue!

"I'm so blue... hoo... hoo... blue... hoo... hoo... blue...
I'm so blue... I don't know what to do..."
--- Madam Blueberry, VegeTales.

Exactly my sentiments at times! Probably coz blue's my favourite colour, and the colour of my wall.... and I have Van Gogh's Irises hung up on it. But then again, blue's the colour of the sky.. and when people say "blue skies" they mean everything's going well with them. Blue's also the colour of heaven, where I am destined to be someday, by God's grace. It also symbolizes the Holy Spirit and authority. Now you know why "power suits" are sometimes blue too. There's also the blues music -- born out of the oppression of the African Americans, during those days where the slaves made music to drown their sorrows...

Versatility.. that's what blue is.. and what I'd like to be. It explains why I'm interested in many things, but have not really found my 'niche'. Master of none, really. Sometimes it's really frustrating, but sometimes it's OK... I guess I'm still tuning in to my very own "Discovery Channel". Still learning something new everyday.. oh well.. that can't be bad.

So, it's likely that when I am in my "blue" state I'll write here. With a melancholic streak like mine, it's no surprise... My thoughts run faster than my fingers can type sometimes... but then again, it can be all nonsense, which doesn't matter anyway. Hopefully, I will learn to unravel the mysteries of my complicated brain through this process..

There is hope yet...! :)