When age catches on...

It was my birthday yesterday. Unlike childhood days, birthdays can be daunting because of the simple realisation that I am getting older. I have been thinking about my life in general - I guess it's the normal thing to do -- to take stock of my life. The result of that is, well, not too encouraging. Sometimes I wonder if I am really worth anything to anyone. It's not like I suffer from a low self esteem, but I wonder if I have made any difference at all with my life. Or am I just like vapour -- here in a moment, and gone the next, without much consequence. There's also the thing about achievements -- do I have anything that I can be proud of? Or anything that really matters?

In spite of my melancholic state, I dare say that my birthday was somewhat enjoyable. It was a public holiday, and I was privileged enough to be blessed with the good company of family and friends. I had dim sum with my family, followed by a lunch & cake with friends, and dinner with more friends... Yes, there was much eating, so much so that I think I really should get my exercise regime going again. I am very blessed to have many people who bothered to make my day special. I felt tremendously blessed -- it was a great encouragement to me, as I had been feeling quite discouraged with life in general. It's comforting to know that I am loved and not forgotten.

I know that I have much to be thankful for - family, friends, and all my basic needs met - a roof over my head, food to eat, a job to go to, church... And yet, there is a gaping void and an unexplained sadness within. I want to say that only God satisfies and feel it in my heart, not just know it in my head. Sometimes my head and heart cannot reconcile, which can be quite a problem. I suppose that's why the bible says, "The heart is deceiful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?" (Jer 17:9). Indeed the human heart is difficult to understand. Sometimes I can be driven with selfish motives, and at other times integrity. Sometimes I can have compassion, and at other times, total indifference.

As is my norm on my birthday, before I went to bed last night, I asked God for something -- well, sort of a birthday present. Three things, to be exact - wisdom, favour and boldness. The three things which I lack. Life is certainly challenging. I dare say that I am stronger today to face life than I was a year ago -- I suppose in that way, I have grown. After falling flat on my face in many areas of my life, I have begun to be somewhat numb... perhaps that's a way to overcome my fear of failure? Hmm.. I wonder... Nevertheless, since we are called to be overcomers, and overcoming anything is good, I suppose.

In the mean time, "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (Psa 139:23,24). God alone knows the secrets of my heart... even I don't understand why I feel the way I do...